The Truth

Posted on Tue Sep 9th, 2025 @ 11:12pm by Lieutenant Xavier

956 words; about a 5 minute read

ON:

Personal log. Lieutenant Xavier.

The truth often hits with the weight of a hammer. Some truths are good, some are bad; some are needed and some are just there.

The truth hit me like a shuttle at full warp....coincidentally I was in a shuttle...however, it was not at warp. The away team was on its way back from a mission. Everyone was seated in the back strapped in for the journey...Nurse Tox and the kitten he'd found were up front next to me. He was distracted but I noticed, yet again, his hands shook.

It was not the first time that I noticed this with Tox. When the Captain and I had gone to fetch him he was sitting there beside me and talking constantly, I thought it a character flaw but it was to cover his shaking hands. I've seen him work in sickbay while I waited for the doctor. Tox's hands do not shake. They also shook when he was on the shuttle with me pre flight when we had...that intense moment. I somehow doubt I was the cause of his hands shaking...I am just not that good looking. His hands shook when we were going to the colony and relief washed over him when he all but ran out of the shuttle.

The ongoing conversations and our position relative to the rest of the away team allowed for a bit of privacy. I asked if he was afraid of shuttles. Tox went silent for a long moment before he said no. I did not believe him.

I asked again if he was alright and pointed out that his hands were shaking. He shrugged and told me that it could not be helped. Shuttles made him nervous and brought forth bad memories.

I must admit that my curiosity got the better of me. As much as his incessant talking is … uncomfortable there is also a rather odd comfort to it. Perhaps this will sound confusing but in an attempt to simplify this, simply said, I find that Lieutenant Tox is a rather dangerous man to my sanity and a confusing one to my heart...or he was before he explained his dislike of shuttles.

He said nothing for the journey but when all had left the shuttle for the ship I grasped his arm and asked him again pointing out that he had attempted to assist me with my fear of lifts. He opened up and told me his story about how he was joined on a shuttle and lost his freedom to that symbiont.

I had heard this story before, you see. I heard it from KERBEROS. Tox, was not a Trill, or so I thought. He had no spots but then KERBEROS was one of those Trills that was born with partial spots and grey eyes...I realized then that those same grey eyes I had been dreaming of ensnared me at the moment I met Tox and I remember thinking about KERBEROS as I looked into those stormy molten eyes.

At first I did not believe it but was able to verify with the doctor that Tox is a Trill. I denied it would not accept. There has been tension between myself and Tox since the moment we met. I realized shortly after that in fact I began to live for his verbal jabs and yet would never have guessed that the person I had wanted to meet most was before me.

Tox is KERBEROS and whether faced with the illusion I had created through our letters or the real person who was in front of me I was not worthy of such a person.

** Sigh **

I am at a loss as to how to react towards him now that I know who he is. I am, partly, still in denial but I will ask the coms officer to verify the messages so that this is not a situation of a person with similar experiences. Even then how do I continue knowing who he is? Do I approach him and tell him? He has the right to know I am the PLUTO he has been corresponding for fifteen years. Would he acknowledge my unworthiness as my family did upon the very night of my birth.

Those whom I take to counsel and hold close tend to wound me most and the fear of loss when it comes to KERBEROS is a devastation that I do not think I can endure. Many a nights and days he, his letters, are the only reason I have pushed myself out of bed. On my worst days I had his letters to look forward to and now he sends them daily telling me of his day, what he is thinking. I have yet to respond since I had agreed to a deeper connection.

Simply put what if he is disappointed? What if he finds me laughable? Not worthy of caring for?

I have not yet decided how to approach this. I would speak to the counselor but she...well I will not speak to the counselor. Perhaps the Captain but then I am putting myself in a position again to care for someone, to trust. That has never gone well in the past. I depend on myself, Phobos, and Deimos. I trust only us three as we three have been through much.

** Sigh **

Perhaps I will rest now. My head is...starting to feel heavy and my thoughts are a burden I must put down. I will think on this more on the morrow and when I am ready I will make the decision about what steps I shall take next.

Computer. End Log. File.

 

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